Friday, June 20, 2014

Saying Goodbye

Every time I attend a wake, its the same thing.  I rarely muster up the courage to go to the casket.  If I do, I get away as soon as possible. 

My feelings surprised me this time.  I couldn't wait to get to her.  To see her.  To look at her beautiful face.  I could barely greet people, I just wanted to run to her.  I could have kneeled in front of her for the entire two hours and not have moved.  I have so much love in my heart for her that I couldn't possibly express it.  The closest I could come to describing it is that I feel as if she was almost a second mother to me.  She is part of my soul.

I spoke with my cousin, her brother Art, for some time.  He lifted me up.  I loved talking to him.  He reminded me of her.  And then he told me something that surprised me.

When Pete and I decided to move to Bradley Beach, it was because I felt my father there.  I had no explanation.  I just did.  Much later I found out that my father vacationed there every year. 

But today.  Today I found out he was on the SAME STREET I lived on.  And when he wasn't in that house, he was in a house one block away.  This blew my mind.

I am going back for the second viewing shortly.  I dread leaving.  Because seeing her face calms the storm inside me.  I look at her and I just feel love and peace.  And soon I will have to walk away and never see her beautiful face again.  I so hope I will be able to feel her presence like I did with my father for so many years. 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

And Then She Was Gone

My beautiful cousin Beth passed away on Saturday, June 14th. 

What she left behind are hundreds of people who already feel a hollowness in their hearts because they miss her so much.  Friends who crave more of the laughter she induced, of the happiness they felt when they were around her.  Anyone who knew Beth, knew her heart was made of love.  She played it tough with a cool, nonchalant exterior.  But the underbelly of her heart? The softest silk ever.  She felt love deeply, she was incredibly wise and so humble.   And funnier than almost anyone I know. 

During one of the first few times we hung out, I wore a ring of a star on my hand.  It was a large ring. 

"What the fuck is that?" she asked. 
"A star" I said, a little bewildered.
"Are you the fucking sheriff?" she said, completely seriously.  

I was amused, yet stunned.  She was teasing me and we were just getting to know each other?!? I loved it.  I never wore that ring again though. :)

Being around her was like being around an extremely comforting energy.  She observed and saw everything.  Yet she didn't judge.  She accepted.  She loved.  She gave all she could give.  And she never, not even once, complained.

I'm honored to be related to her.  I'm thrilled she took the time to get to know me.  I will cherish every conversation, every moment I had with her and hope we meet again some day.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Today I had a mammography done.

While the tech was positioning my mammary glands in to the machine, she noticed the scar going down my chest.  "What's that?" she said.

"open heart surgery" I said, matter of factly.

Her eyes widened.  I gave her a brief description of what had happened.

"But..." she stammered.  "You look so....perfect" she blurted out. 

If she had any idea what that meant to me inside.  If she only knew the pain and struggle I went through to get to where I am now.  I wanted to cry.  Instead I laughed and thanked her.

Thank you God.

Saturday, February 22, 2014


Tonight was special.

I gathered up four of the many library books we had collected earlier during the day and we climbed in to his bed.  I read him the books as he listened with wonder.  It’s my favorite part of the day. 

Later when it was time for me to turn out the lights, we did our nightly ritual of snuggling.  But this time he said,

“Mommy, will you stay with me forever?”

He’s never said anything like that before.  He said it more than once.  I silently cried.  He kept holding my face close to his and he felt my tears.  “Mommy, are you happy?” he said a little confused. I assured him I was. 

I could feel him wanting to say more.  “Mama” he said tentatively.  “Yes?” I asked.
“I love to be with you.”

Oh how my heart swelled. 

“Do you feel the love Max?” I asked.  “Yes I do” he said.

Nothing can beat moments like these.  Nothing. 


Monday, January 21, 2013

So so proud and happy

Mrs. S,

Max did great today with step one of potty training. Since he is a little guy that likes to be prepared we did not want remove his pull up without talking
mommy and daddy will be and he said you would say "hurray for Max." When we went through everyone who would be so excited for Max to say goodbye to his pull-up and go in the potty, I did not think to add Ms. Alexis and he looked at me and said "tell Ms. Alexis I go in potty." I was impressed. He also went through the sticker box and picked out some new animal stickers as rewards when he goes. You can tell he is ready. So tomorrow it's his first official day in underpants. We will sing the undies song in the morning m and have a parade. He will be on a 5 min. on potty 15 min. off schedule. Also do you have any summer sandals at the house that still may fit or crocs? It can be difficult to clean sneakers when they get wet, so if you send in a shoe we can wipe down and extra socks it can be easier. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes!
-Ms. Whitney

Friday, January 11, 2013

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

My Man

Max are you a boy?
What are you?
A man!

Monday, July 9, 2012

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Letting Go

I am very emotional lately.

We are approaching the last week before Max starts pre-school. All l have to do is think about it and I want to cry.

I always assumed I would send Max to pre-school at some point. To socialize him, to get him acquainted with following directions. I imagined 2 or 3 times a week for a few hours. And I imagined that would be hugely terrifying for me.

After we found out Max was on the autistic spectrum, we were told that after he turned 3 years old, pre-school would be best for him. We were told wonderful stories of how children completely changed, started speaking in full sentences, that pre-school was the magical solution.

I didn't expect that he'd have to go full time. Four hours a day. (In September it will be five hours a day.) Of course I could opt not to send him. But a mother always does whats best for her child. And I know in my heart that this will help my little boy adjust to the real world, that he's a very mild case and this could prepare him for so much more. He is going to do amazing things some day, I just know it. I just have to let him go.

The other day I found a web site called Zen Tips. ( One tip really stuck with me "Let go or be dragged".

Right now I am having a very hard time letting go. Having to trust strangers with the most precious little face, the person who owns my heart, my soul, my everything.

What if he gets scared? What if he is trying to say something and they don't understand him? And what the hell am I going to do with myself for four hours a day????

My whole world has become my son. I have put almost all of my creative outlets on a shelf. All of my priorities revolve around him.

A part of me looks forward to being able to relax for a few hours. To write more again, to organize the thousands of photographs I've taken, to work out, to take more photographs, maybe even go the beach. But I know that I will miss my buddy the whole time and that the highlight of each day will be picking him up from school and sharing the rest of our day together.

Being a mom is the most fulfilling and by far the hardest thing I will ever do. And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Thursday, June 21, 2012